


It Might Your Wound, But They're My Sutures

by orphan_account



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Self-Harm, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 18:08:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2631278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Warning for self-harm and spoilers.  If this is a possible trigger for you or you have not seen the movie, I do not recommend reading!)</p><p>In the aftermath of the chaos that was caused by Callaghan, Hiro finds himself still struggling with the reality of his brother's death.  Completely destroyed and emotionally distraught he finds a way to help numb the pain with a blade to his skin, which quickly becomes a bad habit yet a necessary one in Hiro's eyes.  He doesn't know how else to make it go away, but it turns out Baymax will not stop until he finds a solution.  </p><p>A look into what Hiro could be experiencing and what Disney could never show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Might Your Wound, But They're My Sutures

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfiction I have ever posted online! :D Though of course leave it to me to make it a super dark and depressing one.  
> I just saw Big Hero 6 for the second time last night and I got this idea. It's not great, it's sad, but I still had to write it. In my mind, this is what Disney didn't show and very well the possible reality of what a family members death could do to someone.  
> To say the least, I cried a few times when writing it.

Hiro stared down through lidded eyes at his exposed wrist, watching as the blade sunk yet again into the soft skin of his arm. A light shiver ran up his spine as blood was drawn, slowly pooling and shaping around the incision as one droplet broke away to meet with others from similar wounds. His breath was even but heavy as he focused on nothing but the sting of sharp metal to flesh, the familiar feeling all too inviting. 

This routine became his distraction. An escape from what he couldn’t cope with. 

Callaghan was in jail, arrested over a month ago now, and yet everything had failed to go back to normal. Everything that was Hiro’s life before did a complete turnaround in another direction, though for the better many would see. What used to be late night bot fights had now turned into late night study sessions. Having no social life changed to having one with a wide circle of friends by his side. And tinkering with robotics daily became school assignments, one of which led to the rebuilding of Baymax. 

Though many only noticed what was new and not what was missing. Not a day passed where Hiro didn’t notice what wasn’t there which should have been. 

When Hiro walked the campus, worked in the lab or even when he was around Baymax, the presence that he knew to be absent was always evident. Being aware of this was more brutal than any beating from sore losing bot fight contestants and the heartache that plagued him was constantly clawing at his chest. 

Tadashi was gone. That truth, Hiro knew, would always be more painful than any physical injury. He faced solemn reminders of this reality everywhere he looked, including on the faces of his older siblings friends and classmates, and even just across the room at the now and forever empty bed and ownerless belongings. There was no avoiding those reminders – reminders that screamed about the fact that Tadashi was never coming home, that Hiro would never again be allowed the chance to even talk to his brother let alone feel the warmth and reassurance shared from just being in his company. 

With precision Hiro finished off the newest mark, removing the blade from his tainted skin for a moment before repositioning it merely a few centimeters from the last. With minimal effort he repeated the action and soon more blood was released.

The worst part was that he knew it was his own fault. Every time he played back the memory of Tadashi's last moments, all Hiro could think of was the countless ways he very well could have stopped his brother and ultimately saved his life. That last glance they had shared both filled with worry and traces of fear played on repeat in Hiro's head, before he watched again and again as Tadashi ran unknowingly to meet his untimely fate in flame. 

When Hiro had discovered who was behind the fire, he felt that revenge was the answer to put everything back into place. Yet he soon came to realize the opposite, as Yokai was detained he felt relieved and even happy to see the chaos resolved, but he himself felt no closure. Hiro knew it was because he blamed himself. And how could he not? No matter what anyone told him, he felt deep down that that night could have very well ended differently had he just acted and stalled his brother for a few extra seconds. Better yet, if he hadn't made those stupid microbots, the fire would have never even started in the first place. 

There were days Hiro would mull over those thoughts and mentally beat himself so mercilessly that he would come home early just to do this to himself. For him it was a momentary solution to numb what he didn’t want to feel, and desperately he wished it could be permanent. 

On more than one occasion Hiro had contemplated just ending it all. There had been times he found himself so utterly distraught and emotionally wrecked, the idea quickly became more than inviting. On top of that was also the possibility that if he followed through he may very well get the chance to be with his brother again. But the same thought brought an important variable into picture: Aunt Cass. With this Hiro would feel even more guilt than before when realizing his selfishness. He knew Aunt Cass had suffered through even more loss than he had and no part of him could go through with it knowing that he would have to make her feel that again. 

So instead he found that hurting himself was the next best option, and it had stuck. 

As he finished another bloody line, Hiro took a second trying to blink away the tears that were forming in his eyes, but failed as a few escaped and landed on his irritated forearm to mix with the already drying blood that was there. Sitting on his bed, back resting against the headboard and knees drawn to his chest he lifted his clean arm to wipe at his face, using his sweater sleeve to dry his wet cheeks. With swollen eyes Hiro looked back down at his arm and raised the razor again. 

Behind the new cuts lay countless scars, each of which Hiro came to think of as his punishment for what he let happen to Tadashi.

"Hiro, I'm home!" He jumped at the unexpected voice, the blade sinking deeper into his skin than he had originally intended. Much deeper. 

He heard movement downstairs soon after, as Aunt Cass had arrived home earlier than what she had originally promised. The rustling of grocery bags resounded when placed, resonating across the house, including up the stairwell Hiro's room. 

"Hey," Hiro answered back struggling to keep his tone neutral, his voice almost betraying him. He wasn't expecting her home for at least another hour. 

"Making your favorite tonight," she called up the stairs, cheerful as always, "Wings!" 

"Sounds great," Hiro replied, trying to make himself sound excited, "Can't wait!" 

He held his breath hoping she wasn't about to come upstairs and was more than relieved when the loud conversation ended at the sound of her approving laugh, her footsteps disappearing in the direction of the kitchen. 

Releasing his breath, Hiro sighed and looked down at his mutilated arm. To his shock he saw an obscene amount of blood pouring out of the latest self-inflicted wound. He let out a groan, simply from pure disbelief if anything as he used his other hand to try and stop the blood from getting anywhere and making a mess.

Suddenly Hiro heard the rush of air and squeak of rubber as Baymax automatically inflated himself, white figure slowly rising from the red compartment set by the wall opposite of his bed. Hiro stared at the scene in mild horror internally cursing himself and his thoughtless vocalization as he registered the consequence of his slip. 

"No, please not now," he frowned as he watched the balloon like robot take form. 

In one quick movement Hiro grabbed a black shirt from his laundry basket, pressing the fabric against his bleeding arm (figuring the dark color would be able to hide the blood best from his aunt) and moved to risk a glance down the stairs. Hoping to avoid alerting Aunt Cass that anything was wrong, he waited anxiously as Baymax finished his activation process, standing full height beside the bed. Hiro let some of the tension in his shoulders lessen as saw no sign of his aunt climbing the stairs and instead only heard a loud echo of the kitchen television. He prayed the volume of her favorite culinary channel and the distraction of cooking would be enough to keep her attention drawn away from his bedroom. 

"I heard a sound of distress," Baymax announced, blinking down at the fourteen year old in front of him, "What seems to be the trouble, Hiro?" 

"There is no trouble," Hiro spoke as he glared down the stairwell a few seconds longer before deciding he was safe, then turning away to walk towards the other side of the room, arm cradled almost protectively against his chest. He passed Baymax without as much as a glance in the robots direction. 

Baymax turned in time with Hiro's movement, scanning the boy as he walked towards Tadashi's own room. 

"Hiro, you are injured," Baymax stated in a tone that was supposed to be concern as he followed closely behind the boy. 

"I'm fine," Hiro failed to assure as his own voice cracked. He would blame it on puberty, though he knew that really wasn't the cause.

Entering his brother's own bedroom space, Hiro tried not to look at anything that may revive any torturous memories as he opened one of the end drawers to find a first aid kit. It had been because of Tadashi's insistence they kept one in the split rooms, and since injuries were so common between the brothers, Hiro didn't argue much when his older sibling brought it up. Dealing with robotics, it wasn't rare to end up with cut and blistered fingers, so in the end it turned out to be a smart investment. 

With his free hand Hiro threw the first aid kit on the dresser, opening it with minimal effort while hugging the other arm to his chest and effectively pressing the black shirt tighter against his injury. Baymax stayed close, watching over the boys shoulder as he dug aggressively through the medical contents before finally pulling out a roll of gauze a little triumphantly. 

"You have several minor lacerations on your left arm with one incised wound that may require medical attention," Baymax stated, making Hiro nearly drop the gauze as the robotic voice broke the silence. He paused briefly before continuing, "I also detect that you are experiencing emotional fluctuations that are most commonly associated with grieving." 

Hiro stood in place silently, staring daggers at the wall in front of him. When he finally looked away it was without a word as he went back to his original task, clumsily unrolling the gauze as he tried to wrap it around his injured arm. With only one free hand it didn't work as well as intended. 

The bloody shirt fell to the floor to be replaced with the white bandages, but without a proper grip, it soon turned into a very loose and useless bundle around his forearm. Aiming to fix the mess Hiro unraveled the now bloody gauze and tried again only to end up with the same result as before. The third and fourth try also quickly turned out to be failures and Hiro grew frustrated, grabbing what was left of the roll and loudly slamming it back into the kit, cursing as he did so. 

He then pressed his poorly dressed arm back against his chest laying his other hand over top as he hugged it into himself. Tears suddenly stung his eyes as everything seemed to catch up. Anger, guilt, overall disgust with himself – it hit him harder than the explosion did on the night of his brother’s death. 

He felt distress, and embarrassment for being caught in this state. He felt hatred towards himself and everything that currently plagued him. Overall he felt unworthy. He didn't deserve being handed what his brother worked for. Not university, not his friends, not Baymax. His brother should be here to enjoy those things, not him.

The pair of squishy balloon hands that wrapped around Hiro's middle made him jump but he didn't object as they pulled him into an awkward hug, his back pressing into the soft rubber of Baymax's belly. His body stiffened for a moment but relaxed when he realized Baymax was only attempting to comfort him. 

Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he choked on a sob. Hiro now couldn’t help but feel pathetic on top of everything else. Baymax didn't let go as Hiro broke down in his arms, and if anything held on tighter. Neither spoke, the room being filled only by Hiro's quiet gasps and uneven breaths as he closed his eyes and cried for the next several minutes. 

The nurse bot was programmed to attend to physical injuries, but he could see Hiro was experiencing more than just that. Although he did have information on human psychology, what he knew was no more than basic, and most of it was acquired from the internet no less. Hiro's arm could be fixed up no problem with the right equipment, but his mind was something Baymax was unsure of how to treat as of yet. 

Though no matter the circumstances, Hiro was Baymax’s patient and his responsibility. He would help him, at whatever the cost, because Hiro’s well being was of the utmost importance. He would ensure Hiro got through this. 

Baymax wasn’t about to give up on what he was made to protect.


End file.
